On the flip side of what felt like an insurmountable task – relatively speaking of course, some days life can feel insurmountable – I said out loud, Now what? It was the million dollar question.
Nothing, Sir Husband said. Enjoy the peace. Just relax.
This may sound pretty crazy, but I don’t know how to relax. I mean sit down and read a magazine, peruse channels on TV, sip some tea, the ‘I’ve finally caught up on my to-do list’ kind-of relaxing.
Until now, Now what always meant “Oh no. What’s wrong now? ” Because something was always wrong. For as long as I can remember I’ve spent most of my time tending to crisis after crisis, problem after problem, chaos and strain brought on by some of the key people around me whose swirl engulfed me like the plague. Relaxing wasn’t an option.
Instead I was busy trying to fix everything. There was always something to do, something to mange, handle, someone to help or save, things to endure until that light at the end of the tunnel appeared. I didn’t allow myself some quiet respite amidst the ongoing noise. I’ve been too distracted to do nothing.
It’s no secret women have a tendency to put themselves last on the list, back-burner their needs until everyone is taken are of and everything is “done.” Didn’t know there was a place on the list for relaxing – and here’s the big ah-ha – a stressful life became my way of life.
This weight-of-the-world way of living contributed to chronic pain, health conditions, mental strain and daily fear. It’s only recently that I discovered I didn’t know how to relax, because when I tried, I couldn’t really sit still. I have a perpetually and habitually busy, buzzing nervous system. Even yoga – my go-to daily soother – relaxes me for just a few minutes before I’m up and moving.
Then I got this surprising peephole of relief after conquering a major task. It was almost symbolic – like I’ve been climbing a mountain my whole life and didn’t see the peak. But I do now. Now what?
We get to these turning points when a door opens for us to try a different way of living. Enjoy walking downhill for a while. We may have to reprogram though, and be willing to put ourselves first. Force ourselves to do nothing. But haven’t we earned it?
I have, I’ve more than paid my dues. Living in the space of “now what” and “nothing” is starting to make sense.
“If you’re not loving what it feels like between your various life destinations, get off the ride…be still long enough to find your inspiration.” (Danielle LaPorte)
For me now that is peace…and reading a magazine.