Category: Intuition

Searching For a Miracle and A Dog Named Dug

With all due respect to dogs, I’m totally a cat lady. I love cats. I can’t help it, I feel connected to them. But I also have quite a soft spot for most all animals. Both wise and helpful to their humans, animals are special.

And they’re also somewhat dependent on us. Which is why I kicked into gear for a dog named Dug. Dug, a black Labrador retriever, is our neighbor. We don’t know him, or his human family. But last week, that didn’t matter.

I was just getting ready to leave when I thought a bomb went off in my front yard. BOOM – car alarms blaring – people screaming. I have never heard that sequence of sounds in real life, and didn’t know what was happening beyond noticing a speeding parade of first responders appearing out of nowhere, zooming down my street.

We live inches from Boston’s city line, although inside a woodsy oasis of urban conservation land. It’s still the city, where scary things we try to ignore happen every day. But bombs going off? I was nervous, I couldn’t see beyond our tree-lined property and wondered if the BOOM came from the small private college across the street.

In spite of searching for any breaking news, it took hours before we learned what happened. An 18-wheeler had taken out a car, throwing both its driver and a dog into the road. Although the hit shredded the car, the driver was miraculously ok. The ambulance took her to the hospital, but the dog…where was Dug?

Neighbors, the police, animal rescue – we all searched for a dog we didn’t know, dredging through the muddy woods running alongside the busy road, batting away mosquitoes, removing brush and woodsy debris along the way. But nothing.

Was he injured? Dead? Lost? They said it would be a miracle if he had survived. My heart was breaking.

So I dug deep and tried to conjure up my best psychic abilities. We’ve all got intuition – surely I could locate Dug. I tried, without success, until dusk. So I gave my phone number to the police and neighbors, and tried to let it go. If only I could.

After dinner I stepped outside to shake out my kitchen rug, and that’s when I heard it – barking, loud, big-dog barking coming from the woods behind our house. Sir Husband quickly ran into the woods with our neighbor. The two of them called and called, hoping it was Dug.

As I stood at the edge of the woods trying hard to wait, my cell phone rang.

“We have Dug! He just came home,” said the unknown woman from the accident. “I don’t know how he got here but your search must have somehow directed him home, and he seems just fine. Thank you so much, thank you.”

I’d say maybe that was a miracle.

Everything is connected. Everything.





Spare Me Your Toxicity, I’ll Take Insight and Kindness Instead

This is the little story that caught my eye on social media the morning after Thanksgiving.

Thinking of the young woman walking in a dress and high heels on the cold Thanksgiving day; the young man that had the nerve to leave her at the gas station when she was in the bathroom; all of the people who passed her by; and my brother and niece who picked her up and went way out of their way to take her home.

Wow. Hmmm.

Until the heartfelt kindness shown by someone’s brother, it’s safe to assume there was no Thanksgiving spirit going on for that woman in the dress and high heels. No feasting on good food, family togetherness or reasons to feel gratitude, seems more like pain and cruelty. There are a good amount of people who don’t enjoy a Normal Rockwell family portrait no matter how much they want it or how hard they wish for it, or even pretend they have it.

shoesThere’s always one, or maybe a few, sitting or standing next to you who make you stop and wonder. You are just trying to live your life happily, peacefully, you know – the way you are entitled to by the simple fact you are alive. But like the noxious smell of gasoline, there are some who make you feel sick.

You ask yourself if it’s you. You look in the mirror again and again, maybe even for years, you have tried to understand why some people don’t see how they come across – or more like won’t see. Because to them it’s you, it’s always you not them. You are the problem no matter what.

But you know deep down in your heart of hearts that just isn’t the case. You’ve worked hard, learned, evolved, grown, and you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they will likely keep living from their own little closed-up space that prevents them from valuable soul-inspired insight.

It takes work – insight – it’s hard and uncomfortable, it’s so much easier to blame instead of waking up and really seeing who we are and what we are putting out there into the world. It becomes a right-wrong thing. You were wrong so I left you at the gas station. No you were wrong to leave me there.

A few minutes after I saw that little story, I heard a news report that statistics show more and more young people are having heart attacks and strokes. They didn’t say it was due to one particular thing because there are so many thingspeople…situations… that create stress. These physical repercussions, including illnesses like cancer, are sometimes referred to as “wake up calls” to living better – more healthily, more clean, less stress, less toxic whatever it is.

Wouldn’t it be nice if the wake up call came before our life was threatened? How do we feel better in spite of things or people who make us feel sick, who have no interest in addressing their own poison?

We’ll never really know what happened with the woman in the dress and high heels. But when you really think about it, truthfully it’s our journey and ours alone. Thank goodness for kind strangers who stop to lend a hand along the way.



Fall Is Back, It’s Time To Look Forward

fall-dayI’m a few days behind on my autumnal equinox recognition, but like its meaning, it gave me time to reflect on the past season’s abundance, of which there was plenty. Traditionally this changing of the season from summer to fall was celebrated as the second harvest, extolling gratitude for our blessings before the stillness of winter…horns of plenty and all that jazz.

Astrologically this is the time of balance – between light and dark, space and time, ego and soul – a time to remove old limiting patterns and Divinely renew intentions and desires for manifestations. Or simply put, work on our dreams coming true.

victoryFunny thing is, we don’t often realize a dream has come true until hindsight reveals it as such. Sure we have those jump-up-and-down moments when we get some acknowledgment we’re on our way, or validation that we’re on the right path. Those celebratory moments feel good – like baby dreams coming true.

dream-is-realBut if you’re anything like me you dream big – real big. And you start out on the path ready to face and embrace the miracles as they occur. And you have no doubt that there will be miracles because you believe in them. Even in those doubting moments you still keep the faith, keeping the dream alive.

Whether we use vision boards or gratitude lists or just share our dreams out loud, sometimes in the back of our minds we wonder, will this dream ever come true? So we plug away, invested, determined, focused, trying to execute whatever we think will help us reach our heartfelt goal. Every day we try to “get there,” on that road to success. Or we think it’s the road to success.

change-your-thoughtsWhile thoughts become things according to Universal Law, we don’t always know if what we’re thinking is right, let alone what we’re doing, when we don’t see tangible results. Are we on the right path? Or do we need to make a U-turn, better yet get on a new road?

Those answers may or may not clearly come. Ultimately we’re getting somewhere, this is just life. But we have to pay attention to the invisible-visible signs. When the confirmation is confusing, our dreams can take a detour, and we can feel quite off-balance.

still-growingAlthough we may be on our yellow brick road, it’s hard not to depend on others to help lay the bricks. That’s when we get into trouble of course – pinning our hopes on others. But in some cases it’s the actions of others that help make our dreams come true. Like writing a successful blog – it takes readers to excel. I’m nearly 950 posts in, but its growth is going slow.

I invest a lot of time and energy, but is a daily post too much? I get deep satisfaction from doing my soul’s work – I know I came here to write, and it feels completely good. But the perfect recipe or secret of success? I just have no idea.

keep-goingMaybe I’m missing the point. While I’m waiting for the miracle, I’ll look to the end-result…the big picture.

“You can’t expect to see the miracles during the journey,” Mike Dooley says. “You don’t see them until after you arrive.”

We have arrived at the autumnal equinox and I’m grateful for so much. But as the seasons change, so must we. Maybe my focus needs to shift toward fulfilling another dream of writing a book. I’ve thought about this since I was young and who knows if it will fly. But I guess while we’re here, all we can do is try.

horn-of-plentyI’ll still post at least once a week and please weigh in anytime ~ any thoughts, suggestions and ideas are welcome. Thanks to all of you who read, from the bottom of my heart. Abundant blessings to you all, and while I mention it, welcome fall.




The First Day Of The Rest Of Your Life Takes Guts

This past weekend Sir Husband and I found ourselves in a coffee shop in a little village at a high-top table in the center window, where we sipped iced coffee and watched the world stroll by. We also had great seats to watch a wedding at the big antique church across the street.

IMG_3069Guests for this event were dressed quite formally for a Saturday afternoon. We watched the bridal party of eight bridesmaids in their mint-green long dresses laughing and swinging their bouquets around while lining up to parade in, alongside eight groomsmen sporting their mint-green silk ties. We saw the bride get out of her limo and try to get up the old, tall wooden steps in her lacy white gown behind her hefty crew, a couple of gals in long dresses carrying her train.

This was a fun thing to see, but for me with some irony. This was the same church where I married Mr. Ex. I too, hauled myself and my lacy dress up those old wooden steps behind my bridesmaids and their groomsmen many years ago. But somehow it all seemed the same.

Sir Husband and I looked at each other and laughed – we’ve both been down this road before. And unfortunately when we did it, we weren’t marrying each other. We were each the 20-something bride and groom in big, formal church weddings marrying the completely wrong people. We both even semi-subconsciously knew it at the time, but we went through with it just the same. Yea, we were kind-of dumb.

So as we watched the pre-ceremony hoopla in the front of this beautiful church, with all the beautiful people, underneath a gorgeous blue sky on a perfect, sunny, late-summer day, we couldn’t help but be cynical.

This is the first day of the end of their marriage were the words that slipped out of our mouths. It’s all over after this. Sure the honeymoon will be fun, but then life will happen, and eventually it will all fall apart…… said hindsight. We laughed, although we weren’t trying for any bad karma, it just seemed reasonable to say.

IMG_3063When I got married at that very church, if I had only stopped it all right then.

Why do we make decisions when we know deep down they’re wrong? Marrying Mr. Ex wasn’t the first huge mistake, there was a long line of many more. Like staying married to him for years in spite of all the colossal problems.

We can’t really know what lies ahead when we make decisions in life. But we can tune in to our instinctual inner guidance system and let it help show us the way. There’s such a huge amount to navigate, why do we take it all on? If I only knew at the time that I was well-equipped to choose a new path…but I didn’t believe I was, and also refused to pay attention to the signs. I am certain that’s a huge part of the cause of divorce overall, we don’t listen to our guts.

It only took 30 years to finally marry the right man. Better late than never I say – and this time I knew it was right. Nobody can truly predict the future but we may have more control over our destiny than we realize. It all just depends on our view.


When It Comes to Moving Forward, Is It Mind Over Matter? Or Matter Over Mind?

job interviewI had a job interview yesterday. Most people would think that was great – to have a job interview in an unsteady economy is a gift. But to be honest, I’ve been toiling about my ability to be a both a successful candidate – and even employee.

good employeeIt’s not that I don’t have faith in myself. I know I’m a highly capable human being. People have told me that who know my worn and torn life story – surviving abuse and terrorism, overcoming cancer, saving a suicidal child, near homelessness, the old “woman-behind-the-man-turned-addict” kind of story that leave people fairly jaw-dropped and maybe even a little awe’d. I’m so tired of that story, although its reality has made me who I am today.

Not to mention a resume doesn’t reveal those years of survival strategies, navigating through a complex system of life circumstances that can shred a person inside and out. That’s not a work history. So my resume looks a little boring and sports quite a few gaps.

work historyRegardless, you would think that I could share my wonderment during phone interviews and be proud of who I am. I actually did fill in the gaps this past week with some hard truth about my past – explaining my life experience and skills because of it are better than any traditional trajectory might allow. It must have helped, because I was asked to come right in for in-person interviews.

But just because I said it, doesn’t mean I feel it. What I do feel are layers of scarred-over wounds that leave me exhausted and doubting my capacity. I’m not ready to move myself out into the working world. I need to ease in gently.

It’s like that funny movie What About Bob, where Bob (Bill Murray) is overwrought with phobias, and clings to his psychiatrist, Dr. Leo Marvin’s (Richard Dreyfuss) book called Baby Steps. I am not saying I have phobias, but I need to baby step.

weaknessessI didn’t start out my life as a career woman, I did not become a career woman, and I can safely say after today’s interview, I am still not a typical career woman. I don’t have the job history, the experience, the know-how. I don’t look like a career woman, act like one, talk like one, I really can’t even pretend to be one. I am not a 40-hour-a-week 9-to-5’er. In fact, fitting into that box could kill me for a lot of reasons.

Many who know me would beg to differ, and try to convince me that I’ll be fine in whatever I choose to do. But there’s always a learning curve. And sometimes our mind gets the best of us when we’re trying to understand what’s best for us and make our way in life. Fear creeps in, we start to doubt and we attach to an outcome – perceived or expected – about what we can do, can’t do, should or shouldn’t do. The discussion could go on forever.

It’s a process. Life opens doors, we can choose to walk through or close them. Life offers opportunity, we can choose to welcome it or resist. Our mind can chatter, our intuition can lead, our heart can respond, but all we can do is try. Because remember, it’s about the journey.

I did the best I could in the interview. I know someday I’ll find the perfect niche. And in the meantime, I’ll just be grateful for who I am today.

be happy

It Took Years For A First Moment of Shine

It’s those few and far between surprise moments that give us the energetic spark we need, when we wonder if life will ever respond to our efforts. When we get the nod, wow does it feel good.

I had just crawled into bed the other night and decided to check email on my phone. I never do that, but did for some reason that night, and saw a message from a national blog editor.

“Thanks for publishing such a fantastic post…I’ll be adding it as a feature…and promoting it…”

What?! Wait, did she just say I’m going on their homepage the next day? That is a coveted spot by bloggers of the world. I was shocked, not to mention beaming. Sir Husband lit up right next to me, the shine in our room was bright.

I had always wanted to write but was never sure in what context, or what to say. So I started a blog years ago as my former marriage was tanking and my life was a train wreck. It wasn’t my train wreck, but I was chained to the train. I put it out there like a public diary chronicling the abyss of being on the receiving end of abuse and addiction and autism, as a chronically-pained woman who desperately wanted peace. Of course it got me into trouble by people whose critical stance prevailed, but I kept at it. It was my blog, my journey, my life. Eventually it derailed, because I lost myself to their debilitating, soul-crushing pressure.

But something inside kept prompting me, and as quickly as it rose up, it was beaten down by those fearful external voices…up and down, up and down…until one day, I got the strength to write again. Only this time my resolve was strong, because I listened to myself in spite of everything – naysayers, income-potential, and the now zillions of bloggers out there. I didn’t know why I wanted and needed to write, I just knew I did.

she believedIt’s been a long time since I caught a glimpse of my true self. I knew I was in there which is why I pushed forward with my own agenda — to follow my heart’s passion, to work on what drives my happiness, to believe in my role and my purpose.

Actually it’s only recently that I truly learned to do that after having kind, loving, unconditional support. We need that one person, or if we’re lucky, that handful of true supporters who honor and value our path and our plight no matter what it looks like on the outside.

It can be about anything – whatever we know deep down we are here to do, need to do, and also want to do – whether it’s about our career or hobby, talent or penchant, or even who we love. Bottom line, it’s up to us to answer to ourselves, no matter what those around us say.

That lesson was always tough for me. But I got a big applause from life the other day for letting my soul lead. Do I know where it may be going? Nope. Do I know of tangible rewards? Nope. Do I trust that if I keep working on what is deep inside myself that it will all work out? Yep. Call me a dreamer, but why not. When dreams come to life it feels good.

heart truth

Who Are We Really

Insight is invaluable. And there’s nothing like stepping away from your environment for a few days to refresh your perspective. Especially when you want to make some kind of sense of out of the things, or people you are connected to.

How easy it is to automatically focus on the workings of each day, and not the workings of those who are in our day. So taking a look into the window of our world, and identifying ourselves in the context of our lives on any given day, is a good way to exercise our insight. Which can always use some exercise.

So for fun – and you can try this at home – in the spirit of exercising our current perspective on the people in our daily lives, we review. No judgement here, just a few harmless labels. And as always, life is fluid, people change. But for now, we are who we are.

I’ll go first.

The Sharer.

People often ask me why I am so open with information about myself and my life. I was never sure, thought maybe it was a personality trait. Maybe it is. But I finally realized it’s the way of interacting in the world that makes sense to me. I grew up in a family where secrets and lies were the m.o. Not going to lie, it’s still like that to this day. Some people just prefer to be secretive. But it pretty much eliminates trust with the people you are supposed to trust the most. So I share, at my own risk. Sharer beware? Perhaps. But I’m going to be me.

The Contrarian.

One of the children is too smart for his own good. By smart I mean academic smart. Off the chart smart. Not sure where it came from, doesn’t matter. What matters is that he opts to argue with everything that anyone says, does, or thinks. We can’t teach him anything, he’s not interested, unless it’s Google-generated. This can work in his favor, like when he knew he needed emergency surgery based on a symptom he had that I thought would pass. He did need it, and I was wrong. And as hard as it is to parent a contrarian, we salute him. He is going to be him.

The Independent.

Another of the children has such an old soul that we are in awe of his wisdom. I don’t mean book smart, I mean true Divine wisdom that only someone who has been around many lifetimes comes to develop. But, it feeds his independence like an IV bag of “I got this. Don’t worry. Let me do it. I know what I’m doing.” Not much we can do or say with this one, beyond the support of his inner workings. With his insistence of “hands off,”  parenting is pretty much over. But he is who he is and we honor him.

The Wild Card.

This child keeps us on a roller coaster ride from the funniest highs through the scariest dips and back again. We never know on any given day where his day will lead. It’s like watching a tight rope walker walk across a rope blindfolded – intense and exciting. He has a determination to live a full life, with quite a sense of humor. Searching for all the answers, he sometimes opens door number three as the rest of us wait a little breathless wondering what’s behind it. We respect him, he is himself.

The Knight. 

Seasoned, sensible and supportive, Sir Husband is almost too kind for his own good, puts aside his own needs as needed and adapts to the world around him. At the end of the day he just wants peace, love, and a good glass of wine. Brimming with creativity, he has a restless need to explore humanity, and offer his perspective so that others might see something they haven’t before. I’m biased here so won’t keep going, let’s just say that he’s a man of great courage and honor to me and to many. Lucky to know him, he is something.

Ok now you try it if you want, and see what you see about those in your life. Then watch your world, your perspective, and your environment change. Insight is invaluable.

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